Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
