I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
