Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
