Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
