Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
and you said cock pushups were impossible
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
