just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
