I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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