Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
