And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
