there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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