Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
