i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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