Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
