Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
