STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
