Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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