Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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