mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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