Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
