We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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