PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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