I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
