Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
