i can't believe i had my finger in that
I need to stop coming to work sober
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
