As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
