my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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