i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
