shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
