Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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