Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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