my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
