First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
