go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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