Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
