I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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