i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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