Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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