Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize