I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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