the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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