Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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