u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
