I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize