So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
