Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize