I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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