He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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