I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
