We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
