I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he fucked my hip out of place.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
