Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
