I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
