census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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