my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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