well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
