Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
