We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
