you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
