Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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