How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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