You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The beer is more important than you right now.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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