Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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