I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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