May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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