Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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