Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
