Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
