I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
