Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
