Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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