i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
