My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
