Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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